Secrets
by firefairydog94
Summary: “Everyone has a secret Rose, even our perfect little family” Hugo and Rose have a little late night discussion, and Hermione and Ron might just learn a little more then they wanted too. Rated M for language and adult content. One-shot. Crack-fic.


**A/N: I was super bored when I wrote this. Please don't get offended.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story line. All the characters are the doing of JKR!  
Warning: Grammar isn't perfect. **

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"Hugo, I can't bloody well live in this house forever! I'm 19 for god sake. You are going into your 7th year at Hogwarts, and I still live at home. Ugg, if I only have a good enough reason to leave..."

"Rose, chill out. It's not like your going to shrivel up and die in you live at home for a few more years"

"Yes I will!" she flipped her red hair back dramatically. The siblings were up late –again- sitting in Hugo's bedroom. This had become common over the years, and they just couldn't seem to break the nightly ritual. Hugo was sprawled on his bed, and Rose was sitting against the wall.

"Yay, then I'll be an only child. It's my dream come true!!"

"Oh shove it!"

"Maybe I will!" Hugo laughed.

"Ewww bad mental image!"

"Rose why do you have to be such a prude all the time!?" Hugo asked brushing away some of his reddish brown hair from his blue eyes.

"Am not!" Rose objected. "You're just a pervert. What you and Lily did at Teddy's wedding was nasty! I repeat NASTY!"

"What wrong with it!?" Hugo had an evil grin planed on his face.

"She's your bloody cousin!" Rose exclaimed.

Hugo laughed. "She's a good fuck"

"She's a tramp!"

"Yea that too"

"Can you believe she actually got pregnant with Mark Crabbe's child? He's 2 years younger then her, a slytherin, and he's fatter then the darn father!!"

"As long as it's not mine; I don't particularly give a crap Rosie!"

"Wait…..its not yours right?"

"No, at least it better not be!"

"HA! I hope it is! Wanna know why? Because, it might actually teach you a lesson in responsibility!"

"What? Don't fuck your cousin? Yea, probably a good idea, but what the hell. I for sure like to live life to the fullest."

"I swear Hugo; you will fuck anything with a mouth, an arsehole, and a vagina!"

"That's not true. I won't fuck you or mom!" he smiled "Well maybe mom if I was drunk enough..."

"HUGO!"

"Just kidding! Besides I know you're not THAT innocent Rose. The whole Scoripus thing kinda took away tha-"

"What Scoripus thing?" Rose tired to keep her face as emotionless a possible. Of course Hugo could see right through it.

"Rose, you honestly you don't think I'm that idiotic do you? I've know you had a 'crush' on that Malfoy dude since what? Second year? Also I know about your little one night stand back when you were 16. Oh and the pregnancy!? Yea, the abortion potion definitely was the right way to go. Mom and dad wouldn't have been to happy if a little blond baby way roaming around the house all day!"

There was a long silence. "How the-how the fuck do you know abo-"

"Yea about that……..you really need to change your e-mail password" Hugo gave Rose another evil smile.

"You spoiled little brat!" exclaimed Rose furious. "You knew! Fuck you to hell! I hope you die of aids you mother fucking bastar-"

"Rose, Rose, my lord! Chill out! It's not like I told anyone. Besides you know tons of my secrets!"

"Actually I don't, why don't you enlighten me. Or oh maybe I should guess. Hmmmmm" Rose put her hand up to her head. "You have Chlamydia!"

"Ha-ha very funny!" Hugo said sarcastically. "Too bad STDs aren't a joke…"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean!? I mean it's not funny how Teddy got herpes from his slut faced wife Vicotoir-"

"Wait what!?" Rose exclaimed "How the hell do you know all this stuff about everyone!? It's mildly creepy to tell you the truth."

"Everyone has a secret Rose, even our perfect little family"

"Ok what 'secrets' does everyone have?" Rose crossed her arms doubtfully. She knew her brother wasn't the most trustworthy bloke out there, but her curiously definitely had gotten the best of her.

"Well…….Al has been living a lie about his sexuality since about 3rd year, James wants to move to Los Angles and become an actor, Uncle Bill used to have a slight –well actually major- problem with alcohol, Lily first smoked a joint in 4th year, Uncle Percy is on the verge of divorce, Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny haven't had sex in over a year-"

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. How the hell do you know that?" Rose was becoming even more doubtful.

"Honestly Rose, don't you ever listen to mom and dads phone conversations?" Hugo sighed, and continued "Which brings me to mom and dad…….."

"What could they possibly have to hide?" Rose asked rolling her eyes.

"What has mom always told us?"

"Never talk to strangers??" Rose guessed a smile creeping onto her lips.

"NO! Not that you idiot! It was that she and dad waited until marriage"

"And?..."

"LIES!" Hugo exclaimed.

"And how in the hell would you know?"

"Time travel really is a wonderful thing" he smiled 'You see I went back in time to get some footage of Harry battling Voldomort, ya know? For that stupid project in 5th year? Well I got footage of a little more then that, if you know what I mean"

"Are you saying you have a sex tape of mom and dad!?" cried Rose horrified. This definitely wasn't the secret that she was expecting

"I 'had' a sex tape of mom and dad. Sold it eBay to some guy from Idaho for 20 bucks! Of course he sent in American dollars which really didn't help, but what ever. 3 months later it was on some porn-o site with over a million views!"

"Are you saying over a million people have watched mom and dad have sex?! Holy shit!" Rose looked even more horrified "How could you do that!? You're such a horrible so-" There was a noise and a bang from outside the bedroom door. "What was that?" she asked.

"Rats??" Hugo said shrugging. "Anyway, it's not that big of a deal. They won't ever know. Besides it was the 17 year old version of them, so it's not like they were 45 or anything gross like that!"

"Lord help you………"

The door to Hugo's room suddenly burst open. An angry red-faced Hermione walked in. Ron was behind her. "Hermione! Wait up, I told you not to barge in!" Ron exclaimed.

"NO Ronald! I have to deal with our 'children'" she said the word children like it was a disease. Rose and Hugo looked terrified. "You!" she pointed at Rose "You tramp! You slept with Scoripus bloody Malfoy and got knocked up! Then you go and kill my grandchild! I swear I should ring your neck right now!!"

"But mom-"

"Let me finish" spat Hermione "You get pregnant and don't even tell me!! My god, it's like I don't even know you." She looked at Hugo "And you! You are the biggest disgrace for a son-"

"Hermione!"

"You sleep with your fucking cousin, meddle in everyone's business, and sell a tape of me and your father having intercourse that ends up on the Internet with over a million views…………your name has officially been crossed of the fucking will! You're on your own after Hogwarts; don't expect us to take care of your sorry ass. Oh and if you weren't my son you would be dead right now! Just to let you know"

"Don't you think that is a bit severe sweetie……." Ron asked

"NO!" she shouted. Rose and Hugo had never, ever, ever seen their mother this angry. Although who could really blame her.

"Mom, Mom, you can't just pin this all on me and Rose……You guys did lie to us about the whole virg-"Hermione's death glare was enough to shut Hugo up.

"We'll talk about the more in the morning, go to bed now. Both of you!" Hermione gave them one last evil look then stormed out of the room. Ron followed her shooting them both a 'sorry about that' look.

"Hey Hugo……"

"What Rose……?"

"I've made a decision"

"About what?"

"Moving out…….."

"Pshhhhh. I'll by the plane ticket"

Rose and Hugo leaned a very important lesson that night. Some secrets are better left at just that; Secrets.

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Thanks for reading!!!

Please Review! :-P


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